Monica Matthews: Journal

The caverns of your ways so deep the waters of the earth, could never fill them.

Precious in your sight is a creation that knows you, that loves you, that searches for YOU in the cool of the day. You are to be found with but one cry, one question. In your time of mercy, you answer us. If you did not, it would be abandoning a part of yourself. Incomprehensible. Impossible.

Oh Great Creator, may our minds ascend above all heavens to your realm of existence. May we take captive all thoughts that are in between and live in peace, in joy. Not without affliction at times, there are many plans to thwart our peace birthed from a place we choose not to believe in. May we remove our rose colored glasses, those lenses that call the darkness light and return from whence we came.

Wings open wide, a rejoicing, a sweetness, an honesty in an inconceivable love, may we find rest from our useless works. May we be strengthened to continue on in the works that matter. That bring glory.
How lonely you must be sometimes. How sad we must make your heart. It is written that you DO have feelings. Intense desire and lust for us. Intense compassion and mercy. An all consuming love. How many of us are afraid of such love? So distracted by the lies of the prince of this world that we choose death over life. Have mercy on us Lord. Have mercy.

In Appreciation,
M

The middle of this fence just isn't comfortable any more. My foot, ever slipping back to one side or another. It only takes one bite for me to realize the snakes of this field are not where life lies.

A realm so real yet invisible to our eyes. I think we choose to see once we have been illumined to the invisible. Everyone is trying to attain it, reach it, grab it,... steal it. But I tell you, there is no true, real peace or rest, outside of Jesus, the Christ. I speak for myself. Remaining IN Him is struggle enough. For me.

The Power of God made manifest. The POWER. The POWER. To trample down darkness and prevail in love through light, tearing down curses of generations gone by and those to come, THAT is power. Casting down disease for the LIE that it is. Those lies we have believed of ourselves, God and others finally manifested. Finally realized. Even the demonic know the power of blood. They sacrifice unto their god with blood. Innocent blood. How much more powerful the blood of an atonement for ALL mankind than that of our creator Himself, incarnating to become one of us. The wretched souls that we are. I speak for my own.

Facing every form of distraction, every temptation not to love, not to live in purity, to just chill through life, to do things when he "felt' like it, or when it was convenient. He chose otherwise. He didn't wait for the coffers to be full to bless,He didn't wait for it to be convenient, or socially acceptable, He didn't pacify weaknesses. He understood them and had compassion on us for them, but EMPOWERED us to move past them, above them through truth and knowledge of Himself and His worth and necessity for our safety, our very lives. Eternal lives. He didn't treat our illnesses, he cast them out! He sent them back to hell where they came from. He didn't medicate us, He CURED us with the truth of our Creator's love for us that we could cling to and not our own limited, earthly, carnal undestanding. He said we would do GREATER things than Him... He understood our condition because He became one of us. He left us with POWER, LOVE AND A SOUND MIND in HIm and through Him. If we remain.

If we but believe.

M

Forgivenes.. A beautiful thing.

I hope life finds all of you well.

Monica

So. America has finally done it. Amazing. I extend my congratulations to President- Elect, Obama. What a plight.

Writing for various political figures, you get to see things others don't. One of the things I enjoy the most, particularly during an election period, is watching the momentum that builds during a campaign. The ebb and flow. What most people do not get to see behind the smiles and hand shakes, is a very tired soul. Often times weary and unable to express it. It is a "war" of sorts. Politicians, are like fine athletes. The ones I have encountered anyway. There is a goal, an end in sight and those that plan meticulously, have a vision and mantra they do not stray from, have plenty of capital to spread the "good news", are willing to get muddy, all while standing naked in front of the world, win the race in the end. Whether they "win" or not. You can never really lose by giving it your best shot. I must say, I feel I saw " the real " Senator McCain last night. Wish we could have experienced him sooner.

What a milestone for not only this country but the world. I am most thankful this day that I will no longer receive ill tempered messages about people that vote for Obama not being Christian (give me a break) to snide, racial remarks. The propogation of fear is a nasty one indeed. You learn a lot about people during a race of this proportion. I chose to remain bi-partisan as always and listen. I learn the most by simply shutting my mouth and paying attention to what people say, because it always leads to what's in their hearts and as a writer, you can only speak to them effectively, when you can meet them where they are at.

Should be an interesting four years. I certainly hope we aren't looking to Mr. Obama to be our Savior. Oohh.. that could be troublemsome. Quite a load for him to carry as well. No, he's our President. He's human. I think it's great that we have an African American person saying to a country of fellowmen, that it is indeed possible. As valid as the mantra, "the man is keeping us down" can be, I am eternally grateful, we are officially left without it. But then again, that always resides in our minds usually. The "limited", that is. This represents a limitless era to many. I hope our hearts will shift with our minds. Perhaps now we will handle one another with the truth, which is.. we all bleed and it's not outlandish to hope.

I am happy for this milestone for many reasons, not the least of which is that for anyone who doesn't feel like whites wanted this, take into consideration that 43% of the vote for Obama was cast by whites. Pretty cool considering where we were in the, not -so -distant past.

I am most confident that whether he is green or purple, he has quite a job ahead of him and we owe it to him and each other no matter who we voted for, to do what we can for ourselves, our country and the world. And oh, if you ever want to know who really puts someone in office, look no further than your handy Bible and for my Jewish brothers and sisters that would be your local Torah..:)

Love you guys,
M

So, I have this friend. She's a widow. She has one little girl. She is in the entertainment industry. Throughout the years, she has struggled, succeeded, cried, laughed, grown, compromised, not compromised, dreamt, lost it all, found herself and everything in between.

On the eve of a huge opportunity in her field, she finds herself having to choose between two things she loves very much. On one level, there isn't a choice to be made. On another, life presents an opportunity to provide for her little one in a long awaited fashion. Problem is, her little one can't live without her right now, her life depends on it. The choice is made.
Sometimes in life, the pot of gold is within view, but there's a couple of potholes on the rainbow's road. Then again, the pot of gold can also be subjective.

My friend finds herself sad tonight. Sad because she is staring the opportunity of a lifetime in the face. A way out. But the price is just too high.

M

So, I'm reading a book recommended by a friend of mine. It's fiction. I"m not much on fiction. When I want to "check out" for a while, I head to my local theater and dive into fantasy world via film. When I bother to take the time to read, I like to read something that will increase my knowledge base or open my eyes to something in a way I may not have perceived it before.

This book however, is a little different. It's fiction with a twist. It tells of a beautiful little girl dealt a really crappy hand, that ends up a prostitute by the hand of none other than those that were supposed to protect her. It is the OT story of Hosea, in novel form.

As I flipped through the first few chapters, I found myself pissed that I allowed my friend to sway me to read it. I hated the content. As I was about to throw it across the room for what was happening to her, I realized how many others share in the exact same story. I also began recounting the story of Hosea (OT book) and how his obedience to God and endless love for "her" brought the healing necessary to a soul wounded by life.

I write a lot about Godly things. You can agree or disagree, makes no difference to me. My sponsors are not responsible for what I write and everyone knows where I stand with regard to pretty much...everything. If you stick with my ambiguity long enough, you will see exactly who and what I am ref to most of the time. It generally comes down to a few simple categories. My humanity, others' humanity and God's faithfulness.

As I make my way through more chapters, I am reminded that knowledge of one's soul condition, is grace in its purest form and Hosea really is the greatest love story ever told.

Peace,
M

Nothing will do but a rock. The shifting sands won't withstand this storm. An enemy against my soul, my mind, my body, my existence. The liar. Indeed. The accuser. He is alive. Nevertheless, greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.

As a sweet nectar, I inhale your truths that I may breathe another breath. I drink from your cup of grace that I may see clearly. Passed the tears, the lies of my eyes. Passed an existence that supercedes the tangible. Into a place of purposeful reality. An eternal place. I'm standing daddy, I'm standing. The warrior is me has been provoked to live. My own understanding fails me now. It is only that which you have imparted that clings to my every thought. The war is great. Unseen, but ever real.
Misery visited me today. Shame draped across my shoulders like a shawl of doom. All my faults, my humanity for me to see. Sickness has made her bed in my home and despair tried to rent a room here today. But by your Grace my precious Father, redeemer, I stripped the shawl from my shoulders, offered my tears to you, and simply shut the door on despair with the Word you deposited in my soul many moons ago. May he never take that from me. Without it, I perish. I would wither and die. The finger pointing at me today, I humbly confessed my humanity in anticipation of the healing you promised and alas, his voice is quiet and my mind is once again guarded and set straight. I find simply admitting to my humanity in humility, brings me ever closer to the divinity that dwells within me that I would otherwise never see.

Inconsolable. That's what she said. My edifier. It is true that at times you have to bypass the henchmen and get to The Man. The messenger just won't do. The One who wrote it on the tablet of your heart, is the only One that will suffice.

A fire in my bones. You have set me ablaze. May this trial not burn me but serve to refine. May you burn all that is not of you. My ashes for beauty. It's hot as hell here. But I would take your flames of mercy over the lies of a star thrust from your grace many eons ago.

He knows me. I know him. But I am yours. Once serving the god of this world, I no longer find the attraction. The beergoggles of my soul removed. And as a lover in hot pursuit of his lost one, I feel his fiery breath on my neck, accusing, berating, lying. May his devices serve to propel me into the refining fire of a grace I can't even speak of. My Hosea.

I love you.
M

written to the sounds of www.amycourts.com Thanks Amy, for reminding me I'm not alone in my quest for presence and peace in my own soul. In the face of the liar, truth is ever present. Your music is beautiful and full of naked truth.

Well, there's nothing like a little closure. Funny how you think you are "over" something or one, until you come face to face with it or them, again.
Amazing thing the heart.

It's easy when you see them or it and thank your "lucky" stars THAT didn't work. Another story entirely to see it or them and your heart reminds you of the sweet things that made you smile.

It's always easier when you have something to distract your attention. Something... new. A "replacement".

Now, couple that with the audition from hell and this makes for one day I can't wait to close my eyes to.

And on that note...
Sweet dreams my lovies..
M

Ever heard the saying, if you don't have anything nice to say then....
well, I think I will exercise my American amendment to exercise a little freedom of... um... no speech.

Hope you guys are well.. More to come...

M

Hey, I wonder if at the soup lines of the great depression, they asked each recipient how they ended up in the line?

Like, maybe there was an application that asked if you were sucked into a greed scandal or did your desire to live the "Amercian Dream", get the best of you when you bought something you thought you could and would afford, only to show up at work and go home with your final check?

I wonder if public flogging was part of the daily routine? Man, some of my fellow "Americans" that I have had the displeasure of watching night after night on certain news stations, would give a torture squad of "Braveheart" proportions, a run for their money.

Good gosh, if it was left up to the individuals I see on the nightly "world news" channels to determine whether or not some of us got soup... we'd be in trouble.

Ha, How interesting. As millions of our own countrymen have hit, are hitting, and will hit the toilet of life, how easy it is to think of them/us as the proverbial homeless guy that detracts from the beauty and profitability of our precious storefronts. Our neat little existence. How dare someone become a "burden" on our dime. How dare we be called to be more than human.

Hum... Perhaps Windex should be the stock of choice these days. With so many glass houses and all....

Here's a seed worth planting and investing in... It is written, "Worry not what you will eat or drink or wear tomorrow.. TAKE NO THOUGHT, do you not know that your Father in Heaven feeds and clothes the birds.. and are YOU, not worth more than the birds in HIS sight??"

Shhh.... listen.

Love,
M

Putting our faith in the temporal. Ah, how tempting. How easy it is to forget that we will no longer be a part of the world of "matter". How transitory this life really is. A fine line between fatalistic and realizing that it all matters really. The presence of those Heavenly hosts given charge over our lives while here is breathtaking.

In a time of complete turmoil for not only my birth country, but the world, I take solace in the quiet reassurance that my faith cannot rely upon my leaders or monetary value. Transitory.

There is nothing new that either candidate offers or promises. Nothing new about our greed as humans whether on Wall Street or your local grocer. These things aren't culturally or party biased. Simply species specific.

I struggled for a long time with the idea that people cannot be trusted. I found myself continuously surrounded by people that would prove to be less than trustworthy in some capacity. Whether through lying, unreliability etc... I just found my heart continually broken by others' humanity.

I didn't receive freedom from this yo yo ride until I did a little research and took my intellectual curiosity from wearing a bracelet with a well known acronym, to actually seeking what "HE" would have done and would enable me to do by His example and my faith. And in keeping with His Word, I sought and I found.

It is written that He knew better than to put his trust in "men" because he knew what was in their/our hearts. It wasn't personal and He didn't tell us all to stick it. He didn't become embittered by the fact, he didn't cast judgment about it either or condemn them/us. Granted, at one point, He did express disappointment in his allies' inability to stay awake with Him during the most stressful time of His life. And there was this "friend" that sold him out for 30 coins and oh yeh, His beloved denying their acquaintance not once, but three times, as He was handed over to meet His/our destiny.

BUT In spite of our "natural" propensity to fall short on all fronts, particularly with trust, He chose the path I for sure would not have chosen. So glad He did. And thusly giving me the belief and hope that if He can do it and He tells me to do it, apparently, I can and with good reason. I was also reminded of my own ability to be human. Yep, right about the time I was shaking my finger in the face of those that had so graciously reminded me that we are human, the two by four of all lumber yards was sticking straight out of my own eye. Ouch.

As a political speech writer, I not only get know my speaker, but on some level more importantly, his audience. I try to stay away from "promises" and stick with the facts and the reality that we all think we have good intentions and sometimes we do, but even in those, some are swayed, over promise and under deliver and in the end, prove that they too bleed like you and I. Pacifist? Hardly. Realistically human.

Recently, I have felt like we are being called to focus on one thing while something much larger is taking place. The ol' bait and switch. I think this has more of a spiritual implication. One being played out on the field of the temporal. In times where fear is propagated and mud slinging is something we pay airtime for, it's easy to forget to care for our "souls".

The Unseen. We forget how much of it really affects the seen. It's easy to do. In all the craziness, let us not forget what really matters. The One that holds the "real" power and each other.

Love you guys,
M

So, the world is flat huh? or at least you think mine should be. No thanks. Glad my existence can bring you so much to talk about. So much to focus on. How did your opinion become so valuable in your own site?

Wearing my rainbow coat lately. It's a little small these days. I seem to be growing out of it. You sold me years ago, to an image more palatable to your bitter taste buds. But you underestimate what I came here with. What I am continually seeking from above. That left to my own doing, I could easily turn from and become the image of you. But, no thanks.

Suspected I would run by now or bleed to death from the wounds of your motives? Hardly.

Words. Bring life or death. Yours packed full of venom at a most inopportune moment. Walking in my destiny. Perhaps if you focused more on yours, you would find less time to ridicule mine. But what do I know?

Nothing like an illness for EVERYONE'S true colors to show. Would give a rainbow a run for it's money. I see how people like Jerry Springer stay in business.

With every familial crisis you will find those that come together and those that simply crack in half. Every family is only as strong as it's weakest link.

Sometimes we forget there's enough love for everyone. Especially where parents are concerned. We get so accustomed to scratching, clawing, and manipulating our way to get what we want, that we can never see how much someone carries for us in their hearts.

The past is gone. We only have right now.

Man, can't you see it setting into your bones? It spews forth like a violent vomit. Been there all along, finally came out in one full swoop.

Offer you my other cheek is what my love would tell me to do. I can think of a cheek I'd like to turn alright, but it wouldn't be on my face:)

Oh a little humor goes a long way in the face of a broken heart.

Siblings. Sometimes I wonder.

M

Well, there's nothing like visiting an "elderly rehab center, aka... nursing home" in the United States, for a quick reality check.

Want 100 good reasons to take care of yourself when you are young? Look no further, than your neighborhood "home". Wow. So, having worked in the medical field myself when younger, a pre-med major, and caring for a terminally ill spouse, I get what that is all about. Most facilities are just simply aweful.

The smell of old urine, decay, and a feel of oppression unlike any other. It's easy to forget that there are real souls that live in those places. Real, lonely, sweet, souls that were once young, vibrant, and productive.

My mother and I took one step in one today to make arrangements for my father to receive short term rehab (thank God!) and said, "get us the h... out of here!" In our hasty escape, I told my daughter that it would be sufficient to simply put me in a wheelchair and roll me to the edge of a cliff in Santorini, Greece and let me accidentally fall over, than place me in such an enviroment. wow.

As we walked through the hall of another facility, ( a far more sufficient place for my daddy) an elderly woman with one good eye, crippled little fingers, etc.. summoned me to her bedside thinking I was her nurse. Fair enough. As I made my way to her, I tried to let her know I was not the nurse, but felt extremely compelled not to simply walk away as if I didn't hear her.. (don't even try to act like the thought wouldn't have crossed your mind too)...

She could not use her call button because her little fingers couldn't wrap around anything. So... we devised a way to wrap the chord around her finger and with all the strength she could muster hit it up against her other hand to make it light up.. she was elated.. SO WAS I... man, out of everything I've done in the past 3 weeks of my life, caring for my dad these past few days and helping that little lady, took the cake.

Not sure where home is anymore. The road has a funny way of doing that to you sometimes. Not a bad place to be, just a place. Limboland.

Well, eat your wheeties boys and girls, take care of your bodies and do yourself a favor, go visit someone in a place you wouldn't normally venture to.. you would make not only their day, but your own....hey, maybe we should have an ad right after the human society ads, pleading with people to adopt an elderly person in a nursing home in the way of simply visiting or sending a card and flowers once a month...just a thought:)

Luv and Kiss (too tired for more than one:)
M

Well, as you can read from the entries here while in LA, it has been nothing short of...um... hum... I don't even have A word to describe it.

In keeping with one thing after another, I am returning to the ATL. When it rains, it definitely pours. I will return to my father's hospitalization. Ugh. My dad. What can I say? I love him more than I could possibly put into words here. A stubborn Greek man, a hard worker, a forgiving heart and a big ol' baby. He's aged well thank God, but suddenly, he finds himself incapacitated and suddenly I find myself 3000 miles away from someone that holds a piece of my heart no one will ever fill.

I'm runnin home to Daddy, preparing for our more permanent return to lala land, and trying not to become a day drinker:) Seriously, it's 9:10a.m here and the song " It's five o'clock somewhere" is playing in my head..:)

If you pray, I humbly ask you keep my father in yours today ... Hope life is treating you well... until next time..

Love and kisses,
M

All the programming. The training. The voices of those that did only what was in their heart and mind to do. Some days they echo loudly. Most, they are muted somewhere in the subconscious hallways of our minds. Our actions speak to them.

Quiet whispers, they are the driving force of our lives. How many times have we heard someone that has "made it" say, " I did it to prove all those that said I couldn't, wrong". Hum.. how exhausting. A short lived triumph and then what? What is your new motive for staying where you are at? Perhaps it doesn't change. But in our futile effort to unchain ourselves from the boundaries others have placed on us whether in dogma, disbelief, or outright neglect of encouraging our existence, we become slaves.

It's a cloudy day in LA today. A much needed one. The sun is great and encourages creativity, growth, life, but the clouds bring a much needed pause. A respite for reflection. As I stop to see who is "chasing me", which voice is yelling the loudest, I seize the opportunity to check some motives, exercise some forgiveness and tell myself it's okay to be who I am. When you've been in the box so long, whether self imposed or the one they told you was yours, sometimes it's hard to recognize when the top has been removed for you to step out of it.

Writing about it is one thing, living it is quite another.

Blessings and Happy Sunday,
M

The temptation to leave "who and what" I am, is pretty vast here in lala land.

Funny thing lala land, a name befitting for a place that is more fantasy than anything, but for a place that holds the power of persuasion unlike any other, the name lala land is a little misleading.

Yes, as much as we say this tiny parcel of the universe doesn't affect our lives, look around, you will see it everywhere. The world's culture has always mirrored "the arts" and vice versa. No single place on earth has the power to change the pulse of the world, as this one.

I recently met with a friend in the "entertainment industry" that felt I should try to be more and look more like people in my industry. The suggestion was mainly geared toward outward appearances, certain provocation etc... in his words, " it's all about perception". I get all of that.

The underlying sentiment however, and the far more seductive implication was, "think" like your industry. I get all of THAT too.

In my Creator's grace however, has been a consistent, sweet, encouraging voice, reminding me to remain me, Monica. Stay true to what He alone, has taught me, about who and what I am in and through Christ.

If I have the "mind" of Christ, as Scripture tells me I do, then that tells me I am, above all things, LIMITLESS. Jesus, The Christ, was limitless, formed yet formless, dimensionally transient and the epitome of confident in His purpose.

He wasn't concerned about how sexy he looked in his robe or whether he was too old to fill his role. I'm pretty sure he didn't have teeth whitener or look "hot" to make an impact on people. As a matter of fact, Scripture tells us there was nothing "attractive" about his outward appearance.. hum.. the world's system has duped us again.. I wonder if we would "buy" frankenstein's face as the one of Jesus in film?? probably wouldn't sell as many portraits or DVD's...and in this country, we would probably fight about whether he was a black frankenstein or white.. ha! he's green, so, maybe that would work afterall.... get my point? And for my buddhist readers, Buddha isn't exactly the poster child for "thin is in"... so, apparently, there are other mitigating factors to one fulfilling their destiny and the world would have us to believe it is all about vanity. Got it.

The really cool thing about Jesus for me was His ability to understand who and what he was dealing with and without judgment or becoming like his environment, He simply did what He was purposed to do.

Had I moved to Hollyhood a few years ago, I assure you I would have been sucked into the spin cycle of what and who someone else tells me I need to be to fulfill a corporate bottom line for them or to "keep" my fanbase. But I thank God, that while I may sometimes suffer from temporary amnesia when my eyes get the best of me or doubt tries to set in, I am softly reminded of whose and what I am. As incomplete in my cycle of life as I may be, I am eternally thankful I don't have to settle for anything less than what was destined for me from the foundations of the earth.

So, as it relates to "perception is everything", let the perception of Monica be what it is, I am a blonde haired, blue eyed, young woman, that is widowed, has a child, a few stretch marks, a lot of passion, a Southern girl's heart, some insecurities, a lot of hope and one limitless creator that teaches me everyday about love and integrity and those things aren't trendy. I sing, I act, I love, I hate, I fight, I surrender, I cry and in the end, I choose to believe that what's mine is mine and what door God opens, no man can shut.

You can't stay true to you, if you don't know what "you" really means.....where YOU go to define that is up to you. Seek and ye shall find...

Love ya'll,
M

Just when you think it can't possibly get any worse..wow.

I wonder how most people feel after losing a dear friend to a silly quarrel, finding out that someone you thought believed in you, well, I'll leave that one alone.. onward we go.... being evicted 3,000 miles away from home on a moment's notice because of someone else's indiscretions, an ER visit with your little one iwth a rapid heartrate and a six hour wait, unexpected expenses that could send you over the edge, a major flea infestation in a multi-million dollar home, not to mention not hearing from certain individuals that mean a lot to you and no matter how far you go or how old you get, their opinion and support always seems to be the ever- eluding thing you secretly hope for, only to be reminded at such inopportune moments as these, that you really do come here alone and go out the same way.
Wow. What a past few weeks. And what a run-on sentence!

Okay, Exhaling.

For a few hours today, I knew what it was like to be homeless. Seriously. Our little car packed to the roof with luggage, we found ourselves in need of a serious shower, toothpaste, and a really good laugh. And laugh we did. My daughter and I are like thelma and louise at times. This was one of them. Sometimes you just have to throw your hands in the air and say.... what the hell!!?? while simultaneously laughing your keester off at the entire situation.

There were moments today I felt like the worst mother in the world for trekking my baby through so much for this thing others call a dream... and I call my purpose.

See, I am making a move from comfort waters and our whole lives are upside down because of it. We just spent the past two weeks in a room as big as my laundry room in Atlanta to put every dime we have toward "the dream".. admittedly, it was in an amazing home in the Hollywood Hills, but nevertheless, our little parcel was nothing short of a closet. It's amazing what you will endure when you set your mind to something. Nothing like sleeping with your pre-teen in a twin bed! love it.

BUT THROUGH IT ALL... HE is faithful. I swear I have no idea how I would be here with sanity and the hope necessary to keep on truckin without believing what I read in that book that divides the world, the species... the Bible. I really don't.

I laugh now when people say I lean on the Bible or Christianity as a crutch.. the answer without doubt is, ABSOLUTELY... not so much a crutch really, A VENTILATOR!!! There is NO WAY, I would have the energy, hope, health, and laughter to keep moving through waters this crazy without the hope it offers. No way.

Dear God, this has been nuts.. I hope you are resting well tonight wherever you are and if you find yourself in doubt, fear,confusion, or just plain despair.. DON'T FEEL ALONE.. Look no further than your handy website in front you... and trust that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I have a life full of crazy stories. That doesn't come by playing it safe or having it all mapped out with total control over every aspect of my life.. nope, welcome to the skinny branches.. the twigs actually.. step on out there and know you are loved. I can't imagine anything worse than getting old and thinking to myself, "what if?"
Blinders on, this horse is running, I may be the only person that believes I'm worth betting on, but in the end, no one else can run my race for me and I will finish come hell or hight water.. so far, I've seen the devil face to face and I could use some floaties:)


Man, I need a break.
Love you guys,
M

Well, I could spend my time and yours by writing about how necessary "fences" are to make good neighbors, but I think I will move on to bigger issues, like health.

As you can read from prior journal entries, I have had my share of health scares within my own circles. In light of one particular issue that seems to have taken up the better half of two years of our lives, I would like to share a few things I have learned along the way that may help somoene, somewhere, reading this.

Ever heard the saying the colon is the master of the body?! Well.....
Let me start by saying that I firmly believe health is truly holistic. You can "do" all the "right" things dietary and otherwise and still end up eaten from the inside out with cancer and chronic "mystery" illnesses due to how you think, feel, and act.

I have learned that candida is a silent, yet very real epidemic in this country. Candida is BKA yeast. Now, most of us immediately think, women, feminine issues etc.. but let's not stop in the ankle deep waters shall we? Expand your mind here... Candida, while a very necessary part of being human and having normal intestinal flora, is capable, largely due to our amazingly sick American diet, of becoming systematic.Which means it can have the ability to infiltrate and therefore impair many "systems'' of one's body. Look it up. You will be shocked.

Another factor of illness is acidity in our blood. How many nights have you turned the channels to see some guy with slick hair ( no offense) describing what comes out of our bodies and why and how acid levels in our bodies are breeding grounds for disease.. well, my house as learned first hand how true this is. We now drink only CHA water.. www.chawater.com if we don't have it on hand, we drop alkaline drops in our water purchased online.The affects have been amazing. Another product I endorse is anything Garden Of Life. My little one looked pretty close to Jordan Rubin last year and I can personally attest to the hell people with IBS's go through.. it's nothing short of a nightmare. Sadly however, most people think that they are doing fine, never realizing what is really going on in their blood.

As Christians, we refer to
"The Blood" as having all the answers, power, and life, anyone could ever conceive of, more specifically as it relates to Jesus and the shedding of His blood for us. In health world, nothing could be more true than this exact statement as it relates to our health. Your blood holds all the answers, hence why everytime you go visit your trusty doctor, he returns with a finger prick kit. Sludgy blood is the equivalent of a sludge pond.. think swamp. Blood that runs freely with plenty of oxygen and not clumping, leads to optimal health and not enough of an environment to breed things like cancer and disease. I AM NOT A DOCTOR NOR DO I CLAIM TO HAVE YOUR MIRACLE CURE, but I DO know what has worked for us and what any common sense individual with two eyes can read for themselves anywhere on the net.
So, to recap, acidity and candida (90%) of cancer patients have an underlying candida issue) hum.... let's think about that... equals, DIS EASE... study, consult with merlin, your wonderful cyber info guru and trust that God will answer anyone that calls upon Him for knowledge without finding fault. How do I know?? Because His Word says so AND He answered me and I have plenty of faults to be found..

Love you guys, a lot!
M

As suspected, today was better than yesterday. Ugh. Beautiful here in sunny California. Other than wondering when the earth will move again out here, I can see why so many call this home. It is indeed beautiful.

It's funny, most people outside of LA think LA is some kind of big monster, scary, place. You can't imagine the grief and worries others have attempted to bestow upon me regarding a move to LA. My God, you would think I was Christopher Columbus and the earth reallly is flat! I could just fall right off of the gas prices, food, smog, crime, snobby people, competition, crooks, etc... As if Atlanta or any other city is immune to such lovey dovey things..
Hardly.

I do however, find myself driving around here wondering what most people "do" here. My little one counted 116 Porsches in like 1 day of driving around.. interesting. Between the hippies, the hot, the broke, the rich, the scientologists, the homeless, the surfers.. I think we got it wrong when we named New York, " The Melting Pot".

Neat season of life. The not knowing is half the fun for me. The other half, I spend convincing myself it's okay not to know the other half:) ha.

Love ya'll,
M

Some days are better just pulling the covers over your head and pretending like the sun didn't rise.

Seriously. OMG. You know those days that you just know won't get any better no matter how many "positive thoughts" you force yourself to think!? yeh, that one.

Well, I suppose it was just my time.. So many days of sunshine is bound to set you up for thinking they "should" all be that way.. oh, and THAT reminds me of a sign that a nun had in her office that read..." I promise not to "should" on myself today.. HA! ponder that one for just a second.

I have resorted to checking out and watching "Hole In The Wall".. God help me. it is pretty funny, I have to admit... any type of Japanese game show is freakin hysterical...it is amazing what people will do on television... clearly, it is time to close my eyes and open them tomorrow with the hope that along with tomorrow's sunrise will come a different perspective..
I miss my friends, rrr.

Love you guys,
M

Ever heard of "favor". In Christian world, it's when God opens the heart of someone that might otherwise be closed to you. This usually results in doors opening that would otherwise remain closed. Or people bending over backward for you without any persuasion of your own.

Well, that's been my week, thus far. Definitely unmerited, but real, nevertheless. Like, some people have even said, "I have NO IDEA why I am doing this for you, because normally, I would not". Fair enough, I think to myself, but inside, I am reminded of what is really happening. There are seasons in my life when I couldn't blow a door down with a stick of dynamite. This is not one of them.
Whooo Hooo!!!

I know this drives some people nuts that have never experienced it or feel as if everything in life is "earned'. It's a toughey, but doesn't diminish the reality of "God's Favor".

Kindness certainly goes a long way and humility speaks for itself, but sometimes they don't do much in the way of moving others' hearts. I am reminded of a Scripture in the OT that talks about the Jews receiving favor to rebuild the temple. They were granted this favor from a local government figure. It specifically notes that God changed the person's heart.. Hum...interesting..I actually have it marked in my Bible with a personal note about the mixing of Church and State. It's been around for eons..

So anyway, I have my baby in my company again.. yeah!, I've made some wonderful acquaintances since in LA and all things are good. Funny though, this trip has been filled with adversity, just read some prior journals.. it started at the Atlanta airport and hasn't stopped. But with every single seemingly adverse situation, something amazingly miraculous results. No joke. Everything from "chance" encounters to that "favor thing";)

Just like God. He always shows up in the muck and mire, a cloudy day, a storm, whatever.. and low and behold we receive beauty for our ashes. What an amazing Creator we have. And faithful indeed.

Love you guys,
M

So,had a most serindipitous (sp?)day..Every place I went was almost as if it was scheduled and I wasn't the one that scheduled it! No, today was a day of recouping, grouping, ooking.. you get the point. Headed to Malibu in latter part of day and fell in love all over again.

Last month marks 8 years since I had the eyes of my heart and mind opened to Christ. Literally seeing the face of God for 40 days while here during that time period, it was unforgettable. ( and no, i wasn't smoking anything funny:) It was a life changing experience for me. Funny that 8 years later, I would end up here again.

A place of complete mercy.

Judgement of onesself is wise. I didn't say condemnation. Big difference. To judge where we are, what we are doing, our motives for everyday life etc... a simple "check", if you will. Scary to think that all we have been striving toward, all our little and lofty goals could possibly amount to... nada, in the scope of what you were purposed for. Some people do not subscribe to this. I tend to think we make things more difficult than necessary. But what do I know?

Beautiful day here on what marks the first day of my second honeymoon, spiritually speaking. Let go of a lot lately. Making way for the new. Whatever that may look like..

Off to bed in a most interesting place that I will write further about upon my return. I love you all, exhausted.

M

Don't even ask what kind of day today has been. The travel day from hell comes to mind.

Done. Slap, worn out. In LA and going nighty night in a most beautiful hilltop mansion. It's not as sexy as it sounds. I'm in a small room, BUT the house is magnificent. An interesting story there. With interesting housemates.

Back in LA. What can I say.. I don't even have a word to describe the inhabitants and the "energy" around this place. I'm just to pooped.

Love you guys, keep you posted.. I'll be adding videos to youtube from this endeavor as well.. so.. stay tuned.

God Bless,
M

In my attempt to "get to the truth", alienation sets in. Never my "intention". Merely a by-product of "needing to know".

Wow. It is amazing how one factoid can change perception and therefore outcome. It's easy to fall for the blame game. The ol' finger pointing. That's what we humans do when we have hurt feelings.

Not to worry. I will not nail you to that cross. I would have to pull myself down first. Sometimes in our haste to "make sense" of something, we get so wrapped up in getting that desire fed, that we forget to leave room for people to be who and where they are in their journey.

I could have guessed the outcome of "this" in its entirety, but damn if it just wasn't easier to run with the blinders on.

I would like to thank you for taking the road you did. I am going to believe that it is not a matter of time constraints, but a sweetness that resides in you.

It's easy to forget sometimes that there are a few in this day and age that are playing "for real". for the substantive. No glitter. Just is. I suppose the glitter is subjective, but then, what isn't?

We equally shared in obtaining something today whether you see that yet or not. A greater understanding of the other and THAT is worth a lot. IF you can accept and not judge, be thankful and not bitter, live, learn and still love.

M

Some things, relationships, circumstances, people, etc.. put you through what I call... changes.

Seems I remember a time in my life when having dinner ready, diapers changed, baby fed and husband taken care of, vacation planning, and bill paying were my sole existence.
A LOT has changed since then. Amazing what a permanent parting of ways can do to one's life.

I'm reflecting today. I do that when I am preparing to embark on something new. I am definitely coming into a new season in my life. Woo Hoo!!:) I love ALL the seasons really. Well, hold on.. I'm telling a colorful lie.. SOME seasons I would NEVER want to walk through again, even if it meant ending up where I'm at now. So, let us refer to the not so traumatic seasons, for purposes of this journal entry.

The passing of another birthday, considering a new locale, unfolding the clasped hands of relationships that are transforming and some dead weight, it's all shifting. Somewhat scary.

Reminds me that in and of myself, I can do a lot, but yet nothing really. Sounds nuts, I know, but the truth is I simply can't jump off this cliff without Him. You know, the big Kahuna, Papa, our Creator.

Nope, the water is out right now and I'm tip toeing on twigs not even the skinny branches.

Changes. Necessary, scary, but welcomed. Saying goodbye to some that were never embraceable (is that word?:) and to some who simply won't ever believe. To some I know I will love forever and vice versa. Changes.

Something in me knows that if I don't do it now, I never will. And living with regret is simply not an option at this juncture in my life. I have enough of those I fight off regularly.

Someone told me recently that it's not always about me. He was right.

Love you all, smooches,
M