Monica Matthews: Journal

How sweet the savor of your kisses. Your Words suspended on the doorway of my heart. Dripping like honey from the comb, the sweetness of your countenance is magnificent. Your Spirit transcends even the Words used to describe you. Who can behold your majesty? Your power? Your greatness? No one. Entering the Holy of Holies, some may think me mad. Ha! A sanity this world could never offer in a million lifetimes. Freedom is your name. Love is your language. Your country is the Earth in which all men see you without excuse. The breath I breathe leaves my body in praise of your sweet Holiness that no man can behold. But my heart, can.

M

There comes a time when every child transitions from loving you as a parent because you give them something. Whether it is food, shelter, warmth.

When they are born, they have no concept of what it means to give love to their parents. They have no idea that every coo and little smile of gas, is enough to send us into orbit land of love. We just know that every smile is for us (whether gas induced or not:) and every coo is because they just love us so.. The truth is, they need us. It doesn't take long for anything in existence to learn who it is that's taking care of them. Providing for them.

With that, is a pretty one sided relationship for some time with our children. As it should be. As they/we grow however, we begin to notice that it's somehow our/their turn to give love too. But what does that mean to most of us? What does that LOOK like? Who teaches us that? Yes, those that care for us.

YOU know the depth of your love for your child in a way they will never realize until they have their own little ones to love. But how do YOU know if your children love you? For me, it's having an obedient heart to listen and against her own judgement as a young person in need of direction, trust that I have her best interest at heart. There is no greater love that she could ever in this lifetime give me than trusting what I tell her and following through in love. No grade, degree, accomplishment could ever replace that. Ever.

Fully expecting her to exercise her own right to choose my instruction of love and loving her regardless of her choices, is what I feel I am called to do. I will not always agree with her choices and when they lead her away from me, I grieve.

What I'm noticing more and more these days is exactly what I have spoken over my house and prayed for immensly. A trust. A turning of the love tide if you will. No longer such a one way street as when she was younger. Yes, she has always loved me and trusted that I would provide the essentials in her life, but now she is able to exercise that I really do have her best interest at heart. She shows this with having an obedient heart to what I am advising her to do, love and trust are growing by the truckload. It's a God given blessing that I could not have restored on my own. As we layed down recapping our day, we both marveled at how we couldn't even have the relationship we do now without Him. The King reconciliator.

Oh, we had a relationship, but heading in your typical teenage/parent something of a travesty relationship, that most have called normal. You know, the one where mom is on the cell or out all the time, or working constantly and dad is..well, who knows and the iPods are in the ears and dinner is whatever you can grab, and anything goes on T.V. and the radio is the place they feel most understood... yeh, uh.. no thanks.
I'll take friends accusing me of living in a bubble any day over that mess. Thank you Father.

It's also the same with us as His children. At some point, we have to move from loving Him because of what He gives us and love Him for just being Him and what He has already done for us. Love Him by being obedient to what we know is Truth in His Word. Settling it in our hearts that there is nothing in those 66 books that we can't live according to. Might take some work and a joint effort I might add, but He counts our effort, our desire to do His will, our heart in every matter. There is no better example of a parent since the existence of man than God. The next time you wish your child came with a manual, look no further than your handy Bible. Everything you need to know is in there and then turn to your mirror and realize that you too are a child of someone that longs to be your parent and always bring you good. If we would but listen and do.

Love,
M

Taking a break from our latest conversations in my journal entries, I would simply like to reflect.

Wow. You are amazing. You have truly outdone yourself. I can't imagine life without a knowledge of you. A deep, intimate knowing that only you can breathe into us. I truly can't. Spending this time with you has proven not only fruitful in so many ways Lord, but simply miraculous.

I've heard older women say that as you age, you seem to care less about what others think. I can honestly say I know what they mean, particularly in the case of my relationship with you. I can't imagine someone telling me I could not talk about you and your greatness, your mercy, your faithfulness, your love. Thank you that I was born in a country where this is considered a freedom. I pray it stays that way.

I can't imagine serving a dead god that tells me to kill someone else in the name of any reward in heaven is the way to life. I don't wish to condemn anyone that does, but I personally simply can't imagine you telling me anything contrary to turn the other cheek. And you know why Father? Because of all the times you turned yours to me. It grieves me to admit that. But it is you who have taught me how to love and perfectly. I realize I am still growing, but you and you alone are my inspiration for walking through each day now with immense love and no fear. True freedom.

How do you explain that in words to someone that hasn't been there? It's so frustrating not to be able to use the gifts you gave me to do that!!!

I pray I never break your heart again or give you reason to have to turn the other cheek in mercy...although, I know I am human, I pray you continue to mold me into your image, your likeness and I trust you will, since you Word says, YOU are faithful to finish the good work you began in me. Thank you.

When I prayed for your perfect love, I had no idea how vast that was, how still and quiet. Predictably sweet and soothing. In my youth of knowing you, I didn't really know what that meant and I too ran through the streets with my Bible ready to hit someone in the head with it or defend it to the end with silly arguments. Now however, I realize, by your own voice, that defending the faith, means defending love at all costs. Remaining reconcilled to my brother or sister to the extent that it is possible. As you have said in your word, it is not my place to judge the world, but to simply inhabit you and you me. Pretty awesome.

I'm tired Father. Going to sleep now. Thank you for visiting with me. I pray a special peace and quiet for every person that reads this entry. I pray your love shower them with refreshing and a yearning for you, the Father of truth, of love, of light, of Jesus of Nazareth, of healing, restoration, and mercy. The Father of life, the Father of freedom.
No matter what they believe.
Amen.

Love,
Your M

As with the last entry, for this one to make sense, you will need to start at the beginning... "My Sweet Baby"... Dated, January 13th. If you have been following, welcome back!

Freedom!

Come on in honey! Your big brother is here! Being the firstborn of all of you has it's perks and I knew He would be able to reach you in ways I cannot since He left home and lived in your land for a while, He has not only a complete understanding of everything you have been telling me about, but can sympathize with all the temptations. I'll be back in a bit, you two need to catch up...

Monica!!! I've missed you! As soon as you called, Father called me to come visit. My gosh, you would not believe the celebration He and the others had, it was nuts... all the heavens were rockin.. you would think I had come home with my Bride!!! I'm not kidding Mon, He did the teetee dance all over the sky, you could tell the others wished they could understand His enthusiasm about your return, but as you know, they don't fully get it... but they watch over all those He has given to them anyway...

So, Father tells me you have gotten into a pretty nasty mess...I understand and I think I may have Words of wisdom that will set you free. Now quit trying to explain everything, don't you remember anything Father and I taught you?? Wisdom is given without finding fault. It's free... Okay here goes...

I heard him come to Father a few weeks ago. he always shows up uninvited to give us the low down on what Father's children are doing or not doing. When I heard your name come out of his accusing mouth, I stopped him in mid sentence to remind him that you were already spoken for. he went on to show us the raggedy show for a robe he gave you to put on..What a nightmare! He also told us that you had willingly turned to him and he was pretty sure you would not be returning home.

Of course he neglected to mention all the sweet NOTHINGS he whispered in your ear, or that he pointed some shortcomings out to you in condemnation and partial truth before we were ready to reveal them because we knew it wasn't time to do so..but lucky for Father and I, we remember all his schemes of old and we know you too and that we are greater in you and we would definitely prevail!

I must say, I was as grieved as Father, but as I told Him, I know it's not easy where you live. The warfare is so great and no one there seems to give any credence to "him". It's as if he doesn't exist or something. I hear people are telling others that Father and I used all our power during my last visit. That could not be farther from the truth!

Doesn't anyone remember that I told them then that they would do greater things than these? Like raising the dead and casting out demons or providing food for 5000 people with scraps! Demons didn't just vanish 2000 years ago and I'm not sure why everyone thinks they are so spooky or mysterious!? Man, that just irks me.. We gave up so much just make the visit and sign the adoption papers! And with MY blood, I might add. I even hear that your brothers and sisters are saying that Father gave them an illness to teach them something.. what?! Does anyone read the book He/We wrote??

he told us that most of your/my brothers and sisters are sick and dying and prematurely, because of this.. he was extremely happy about that since his sole purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy.

You have no idea how sad that makes us here. All of us. I mean, it's not as if we didn't know it was going to happen, but nevertheless, we have feelings too contrary to popular belief and lies.

I knew something was wrong when I felt you leave. I was sitting at Father's side one night and felt your departure. Just like when that woman touched my robe during my last visit, I felt you leave. Father did too, since we all have the ability to be inseparable. Remember? Where I am, you are too? Well anyway, "his" nature rose up and decided to prevail.

We sent our spirit to reach you, but in keeping with his usual self capitalizing on your weakness, he snatched you up in condemnation and we've been working diligently to get through to you since. Father hasn't slept a wink. None of us have. I asked the other 99 to wait up for a minute because I had to bring you back.

It never seems to fail, he knows what your weaknesses are better than you and thankfully we do too and try to point them out in love not his way so you will live and more abundantly, but we know it has to be your decision to walk in and after us or him.

Much like with your daughter, you love her unconditionally and would give your life for her as Father sent me to do for all of you, but you can't make her decisions for her. The more she uses the Words you gave her and the more she trusts you and her love grows for you, she will learn not to depart from the truth you have entrusted her with. At least not in the same ways or as often. And so it is with you too. And all your/our brothers and sisters.

Anyway, I am so glad you are home sweet girl, there is so much more to share with you, but I just wanted to see your face, and give you your new robe Father says the other one was pretty nasty, and He threw it and all you two have discussed thus far, into his favorite sea, forgetfullness. It's all somewhere between the east and west.. :)whoo hoo!! soooo glad you are home!.. you look more beautiful by the second... I'll meet you here later on this evening for supper. Father said you enjoyed the milk, but were ready for a steak... we'll see what the others and I can round up..


M

If you have just joined our journal entries, please back out of this one and proceed to the first one in this series entitled..."My Sweet Baby"

otherwise, we may lose you on our journey...
thx! M


So... we left off with you telling me about all that is in your heart. All the previous hurt, wounds. All the reasons you turned away from me. Please, my love, continue...

Oh, so what I think I'm hearing is a mistrust of what I told you? It isn't surprising considering who you have been spending time with.
I know, I know, even when he's not around and you don't decide to visit with "him", he's still there. Let's get something clear, he will ALWAYS be there.

However, as you I told you the day you were born, I am greater than he is and I am I in you. Remember? You are my blood, my flesh?

He knows he can never have you, therefore he makes it his life's endeavor to humiliate, tempt, scorn, accuse you to me, me to you and you to others and even to yourself! Then to top it all off, he will try to convince you that what you do IS who you are! Lie.

Don't forget, I know him because I created him, but he decided his way was better, higher, that he didn't need me..then he left home with 1/3 of the others. It was a sad day indeed.

But remember my love, he can only do what you allow him to do. I would encourage you to simply hang up everytime you see his number on your caller id. I know sometimes he dials from an unpublished number, don't answer it. If the number is foreign, it's because the one on the other end is too!

The more time you spend here at home, the easier it will become to recognize whose voice you are hearing. Remember, sometimes you don't even have to pick up his call, he just shows up at your door! I know, it gets on my nerves too, because every time he comes to visit, he wears me out with all that you have "done" or "not done".... But alas, I remind him of who bought who from whom and that shuts him up at least for a a moment!

Let's not forget what I told you back on 8.28.in that beautiful Roman coliseum...ALL things work for good to those that love me and are called according to my purpose.. Yes, even this sweetheart. Even this.

I know he's told you I would never take you back, and you don't "deserve" my love or forgiveness or anyone else's, but come on, does that sound like the father that watched as you were born?! of course not! Does that sound like the dad that protected you all the nights he tried to kill you or steal what was precious to you, or the papa that gave the others charge over your life so that you would not stumble in your way? Don't think so.. but above all things, does that sound like the father that bought you from him with my own blood?

No, my love, the unforgiveness he whispers that is yours, is a lie. Use it to press in to me even more! Be careful that you do not take my place on the throne of your life with thinking I am some dead, dinky god that goes back on what he says, it will turn into a self pity party for sure and guess who the guest of honor will be? Yep, you guessed it, him! The truth is, the way(s) you chose whether with knowledge or without, have grieved me, my spirit and that which dwells in you, but don't get it twisted sweet girl, your understanding is limited right now, and his voice seems so loud, but not to worry, I AM faithful to finish what I started in you!

With your visit this weekend, I can see even though what I taught you is distant from your mind, heart, and lips, the fact that you called and came to see me is all I need to remind you baby. It's all I need. Here's one more factoid I bet he didn't bother to share, I knew you were going to do what you did before you were ever born and guess what!? You were still born my daughter in spite of it!! ... Ha!

I love being your Father, your papa, your daddy, your provider, your forgiveness, your love, your healer, your redeemer, your safe place, your strength, your mercy, your grace, your joy, your peace. I love that my breath runs through your lungs and my blood through your veins. The fact that I personally counted out every strand of that hair you insist on coloring:)

I love that I gave you the mind of my Firstborn of this family, remember your brother, Jesus? Well, he's coming tomorrow... we'll talk more then, he has much he would like to tell you...and he has a new robe for you too. I threw that nasty thing you showed up in away! I bet "he" gave that to you too huh? He's always trying to give you some off- brand junk. Looks great when you first put it on and feels good too, but as soon as you go to wash it in your own strength, that sucker falls apart! I keep telling him, I have the patent on my children's robes..but he insists and in your youth, you've traded yours, but never fear! Your papa is as near as your confession and complete turning away from his stuff, your stuff, generational stuff,
Okay, enough for today baby girl...

Now come over here and give your Father a hug! My perfect love will cast out all fear. Rest easy princess, my wings are big enough to cover you and in them, is your healing.

Love,
Your Father

Ah..come sit with me and let us continue the previous conversation...

I have listened to your broken words. I am sorry your heart is broken my dear. But it is here in the brokeness of your spirit that I will heal you and set you on high. My ways are not your ways, my thoughts are not your thoughts. I heard the faint cries of your heart throughout the years, but since you've been home, I've been able to see your face. The bruises and scars. As you love your own, I love you. I am not angry with you. Matter of fact, I can only see you through my first love, my Son. Remember?

I am so glad you chose me over all your other comforts. Even your highly prized daily coffee.. Amazing isn't it, what can take the place of our relationship? Our intimacy?Thank you for trusting me and relying not upon your own understanding. So many count on it. I am counting on it. Thank you for seeking me with all you are and have. I told you you would find me. I'm always home. Come sit by the fire and let's talk. I want to hear all about what's been going on in you, and around you. I want to hear about all the people you think have hurt you and vice versa. I want to hear about how you felt when I sent you your gifts over the years. Pour out your heart, I can take it. I'm so glad you could stay longer than the weekend. You have my undivided attention my sweet...I"ve been waiting..

m

For "All My Single Ladies"...( a hit song by Beyonce)...appeals to all single ladies..I too, would like to call all my single ladies.. or rather, His. I am coming into my vision more and more these days of mentoring/ministering to fellow women and artists. Thank God. This, of course, has not come without the intense fire of refinement. And THAT did not begin until repentance. What I have heard in my spirit lately is quite sweet and interesting. He always meets us right where we are at. The Holy Spirit is a gentleman of the finest caliber. The following love letter comes from the One that loves all of us immensly, but as women, this is special....

My Love,

You are soon to be my bride. Oh how I long to gaze upon you on that day. When I can see you face to face, nose to nose. It is with great anticipation that I wait patiently in the heavens for my complete work to be finished in you. Knowing the end from the beginning, I will tell you a secret... you look spectacular!

Upon your birth, I was the first to hold you. Not from your mother's womb, but mine. Through that one moment of surrender in belief of my sacrifice and resurrection power, you were born, again. Deep in my spirit. It was such a joy holding you for hours and feeding you tenderly. Rocking you to sleep night after night. Nearly smothering you in my chest, I held you SO close, I never wanted to let you go!

As you grew, I watched your eyes open to new and exciting things. In them, I saw eternity. I saw myself. Your first steps were a day to remember! All of heaven rejoiced! What a beautiful baby!!

Our trust was unbreakable. Inseparable, we walked and talked every second of every day. My heart overflowed with joy. As you grew, I knew I would have to let go to allow you to fly. It was hard, but I knew I trained you well in my Word(s) you would find your strength and your life.

I must say, the first time you tripped, my heart ached. While not surprised, admittedly, I was hurt. I called to check on you, I was hoping you would volunteer what was happening in your life, but we hung up without addressing it. I wanted to ask, but you sounded busy and as if you wanted to handle it on your own. I didn't sleep a wink that night, All of us up here, kept watch. I called a few times after that, left a few messages, but I never heard back from you. My heart breaking, I knew you would have to return my call one day. I just wished it was sooner than later because I knew I would have just one word that would turn it around, you around. If you could just hear my voice, maybe you would remember. But it never came.

Months went by, years went by. You called a few times, but before I could ask you how you were doing or how the new guy was working out and how much you loved the new job, you said you had to go. My sweet baby, if you only knew how my heart broke. It was unbearable. I sent others to check on you, but they didn't look like your other friends, they weren't into the same things and honestly, you just didn't seem interested.

I could tell someone else had been in your ear. Someone telling you the other way was better, my way was boring or too hard. I knew the peer pressure and the voice of the other, were louder than mine. So, one day, I decided to call you again. I left a message and patiently waited.

When I heard the voice of your heart begin to dial, I stumbled all over the house to get to the phone before it could even ring! Thundering my way across the skies of my living room I lept to the phone and to the joy of my heart.. it was YOU!!!! When I heard you were coming home for the weekend, I couldn't contain myself....I almost split my gown!!! I had everyone working day and night to prepare your room, get the cookies you like, warm the fire and your favorite flowers were picked and placed right by your bed where you like them!

In keeping with my Word, when you knocked, I opened and what I saw would have broken any man's heart, but you know me, I'm NOT your average guy:) I ached for what he did to the face I so longingly gazed upon just a few short years ago. The bruises, scratches and cuts. You were still as pretty as always, but something was different. Stolen. Your peace, your joy. Gone. I wanted to ask you where my favorite white gown was, you know, the white one you used to wear as a young girl that I washed in red and you could never quite figure out how it got from red to white!? THAT one! Yours was ripped to shreds and beige. Looked as if you had been washing in lukewarm water with bleach or something... At any rate, I almost didn't recognize you!

When I wrapped my arms around you, I felt something different. Something was missing. I had the others tend to you, wash you up a bit and waited until dinner to find out what was going on. I just wanted to hear your voice. Just wanted to know what's been going on in your life. I wanted to know if my Word(s) helped you in your journey? Did they still mean as much? I wanted to know why I haven't heard from you, why we had to leave so many messages? Was "he" giving you your messages? You know, the one that seemed to be taking up all your time and making life so exciting? Was he the one that hit you, ripped your gown and left you without your peace and joy? Just so many questions. But as soon as you opened your little mouth to speak, I knew he had in fact changed your mind and tried to steal your heart, you soul.

My sweet baby, I am so glad you're home! Let me tell you a few things about life that you are ready for...I long for you each second of every day. YOU are my life. YOU are my everything. I won't waste my breath going over all that he has told you that is not true, my Word is enough to fill all of that.

I think you should probably stay a little longer than the weekend...


Till next time,
M

I have often struggled with fear. Fear of man, fear of failure, fear of humiliation, fear of loss, etc.. It's all still fear. I have feared saying something that would mis-represent the Heart of God. So, in the spirit of fear, I have kept silent regarding areas of life that might "offend" some of my fellow pilgrims of life.

Medicating in various ways, all my proverbial pill bottles are empty and I have no more re-fills. My gosh the list could go on and on. I am sure your list is different from mine or we may share some similarities, but nevertheless they are all dead means to an end that will really never come via those means. It is the eternal hamster wheel. It is hell. We give it great names like, life management, or living from a positive place. No matter how you dress a whore, she's still a whore. How do I know? Because I've been one.

No, you haven't seen me walking on the street with a sign on my forehead beckoning for some cash, but that is only one way to prostitute yourself. Actually, you have probably seen me in a church pew or writing here about how much Iove for God I have.The truth is, the great mirror has been erected as of late, in grace. To show me my heart's condition. To bring me back from insanity. All of my little gods/medications lined up in a neat little row, all of them. Fear, money, people, striving, doubt, worry, unbelief, anger, envy, jealousy, murder (in my heart and tongue), accusation, centering, discontentment, bigotry, hypocrisy, lust, my child, family, and at the very center of the throne, wasn't the one I write about here. No, it was me, Monica and right next to me was my newfound companion and god, Satan.

In complete disgust and reverent fear, I have literally trembled my way back to the throne of grace. Nights I thought I would lose my mind and my life. Tormented by the very things that kept me such close company. Fear of God is a terrible, terrible place. Fear of love is hell. It is truly hell. We think we fear evil, but the truth is, the real truth is, we have become such the identical image of fear, in all our getting, hating, warring, "prospering", envying, "white" lying, skimming, and "all roads lead to God", that we are blinded to the truth of our own condition.

I cannot explain what it is to come face to face with God. Nose to nose. To all that is NOT Him that dwells in you, it will feel like death. To all that IS of Him in you, it will feel like someone is giving you mouth to mouth. Like a mother bird feeding her baby. Much like "The Green Mile", God inhales all that is not of Him yet exhales all is that of Him which you are ready for, and in due season.

I have known since I was a little girl that this world would not remain here forever. That the trees I so loved or the blue sky would seize to exist one day. Somehow, I just knew it. Not in some sadistic way, but almost like a vision. And it used to scare me. I would turn my mind off to it, because I didn't want to think of The End.
In this repentant season of my life, I am reminded once again that this earth will surely pass. We will all surely live, eternally. The question is.. where and with whom.

I can assure you it wasn't Buddha or a dollar bill or a billion of them that turned the key to the chains I put back on. No, it was God Himself through the pleading of Jesus the Christ. Realizing I may step on some of "sacred cows", ( as my pastor calls them) dare I say that there is no other God than the Father of Jesus The Christ, none. There is not another path to God with the immense freedom and rest that comes any other way than Jesus. I could meditate till those sacred cows come home and breathe may way into hyperventilation, but there is simply no other way to the throne of Grace without accepting the Grace in the human manifestation of Grace himself represented in the life and sacrifice of Jesus of Nazareth. None.

I wrote the following today and it is with love, understanding and great reverence that I share it with you. My brothers and sisters in Christ that I have so grossly condemned for being hypocrites and backsliders. In my downhill slide, I was reminded that He is married to the backslider. Reminded of His Grace and to turn from all that is not Him and be saved. to help others out of their snares and chains. May I never shut up the fire in my bones..

He that has an ear, let him hear....

We have become so sickened that we call what is good, evil and that which is evil, good. We do not seek The Lord God's face through Jesus, His perfect manifestation of love because we believe we know a better way. LIes "resonate" with us because we have been raised by lying spirits. We adopt doctrines of devils because our hearts have waxed cold and we have bowed our backs to bondage. Some knowingly, some unknowingly.
Perfect love casts out ALL fear. And all war, all deceit, all envy all lying, all strife is rooted firmly, in fear.

Thus, we give birth in the quagmire sludge of lies and call it good. In doing so, we call God a liar. And this is an abomination. A day is coming when the sun will no longer warm and the moon will not cast her light, the stars will not reveal anything to the lying spirits of divination. In that day, all truth will be revealed and hearts will burst open. The depths of hell will tremble, the earth shaken, every knee bent and every head bowed, every tongue will confess that Jesus The Christ is, was and forever will be Lord. There will not be a teleconference, a newscast of it, no arm will be able to save another.

I say these things NOT to impart fear or condemn, but as an urgent appeal to turn from human ways, evil ways, and gods that are dead to the Living God that has chosen YOU from the foundations of the world. His will is that no man should perish. Choose life. Choose love. Choose Jesus and you shall live and more abundantly in truth. Your eyes will be opened.

Your earthly sorrows may multiply but His grace is sufficient to endure ALL hardships. WAKE UP! We are eternal beings. We will live forever, the question is.. where?

I promise you this, Buddha, The dollar bill, earthen gods, gods of nature, witches (light and dark) will not save us from what is coming.
A new earth is coming. It is rooted in Jesus The Christ. Not in our works, but His finished work. Don't we want to live in the world we say we believe is somewhere over the rainbow? The Kingdom of God is now. And forever.
Turn and Let me love you and live.. is His cry.

M

Wars between kingdoms unseen. Dear God, will we always be hearing yet never perceiving? Your mercy. Your grace is sufficient. Let us run our races with confidence in you. Reaching back for one another, let us not run on without the other or trample them on our way by. Thank you that your infinite mercy is found in the freedom of your truth. The weight of our sin is too heavy to carry. The thought of the world's, is too much to bare. How did Jesus do it? My God. My knees cannot stand under the weight of my sin. Thank you God that you are present and not a distant and angry God. But always willing to shed tears for us. Making my bed in hell, you visited me and set me free from the captivity I walked into. Your knowledge has once again saved me. Your Word, Your Truth. Jesus. Thank you to a God-head that never rests, never gives up on us and wishes that no man perish, but that we live in peace, joy and reconcilliation to them, ourselves and each other.. Praise God.

Selah.
M

My mouth silenced. Who can utter in your presence? I tell you, no one. My heart broken in sin. Yes, sin. Thick darkness weighs heavy on a soul gone awry. Running after the dead things, the dead idols, the dead gods. My ways no longer yours, or pleasing to anything good. Friends, fellow believers in love, but error, trying to console a heart that was birthed out of spirit yet living lies. I have sinned against you and only you my God. The belly of the whale is dark. My breath almost taken from the body you offered to dwell in. The members I willingly gave back to a way of life you so graciously saved me from. My soul laments.

The Body, on notice, once saved, always saved needs to be re-read. "If" appears more times than not in ref to salvation and overcoming. WAKE UP, OH SLEEPER! That was your cry. turn from the ways I delivered you from. ALL of them. I love you, I want you, I desire you. I need you. Repent and I am faithful to forgive. Who will establish MY Kingdom? MY Earth? MY ways? Love me with all you have, your neighbor as yourself and LIVE.

In my face, facing my giants, on the ground with me, you coached me to the end zone this day, this victory. I carried that stupid thing all the way across the field, that beast of burden I so readily invited for the ride, and upon Your Word, you were faithful to exchange my lies for your Truth, my infidelity for your forgiveness, my yoke for yours, my burden for yours. Dare I say, I love you. But, you love me, still.
m

How many blessings have come out of this one seemingly treacherous event. My friends make fun of me for making "our" burglar sound like a friend. In a way he is. As I stated a few journals ago, it's not easy coming home to someone else's eyes, hands and thoughts being all over your personal belongings, but if you really think about it, none of this is "ours" to begin with. I laugh when I hear people say they "own" their home or car. In America, all you have to do to find out who really owns your car or home even after the last payment is made, is miss a tax payment. LOL...

It's all on loan really. Even ourselves. On loan to a "world" system that doesn't see the logic in finding a blessing, many of them actually, from an invasion of sorts.

I can't tell you how many wonderful people, I have met throughout this ordeal. Everyone from my alarm representative, to the cable guy, contractors, insurance agents, police... the list goes on.. all amazing people that I would not have encountered otherwise. I almost typed... I wish the circumstances were different as to our meeting, but the truth is, if I did that, I would be saying I'm not completely okay regardless of my "circumstances". And I am.

People like me used to get on my nerves or inspire me.. I couldn't really decide. I just couldn't "see" what they did. Yes, I know Jesus said to forgive and love our enemies. BUT, what I thought was their "rose colored glasses", annoyed me or begged for my own pause to ponder. It was easier and honestly, more comfortable, to be a victim to life and its circumstances and people than living in truth.

Having faith in God is different than having faith in yourself. Yes, God is a part of me, but the real / worldly/human, Monica has secretly cursed "our burglar", been afraid, angry, exercised bigotry, and thought that somehow I am better than him. But in God's grace, not mine, I was brought to who I was really created to be and God prevailed. (We are all capable of so much that we think ourselves too great to engage in) This was not a work on my own, it simply required believing what the Word says about Who the Word is. Man, God is good!

Throughout all of this, I have been tempted to feel or believe that I am alone. God has somehow forgotten his Word of caring for the widows, but that would be an abomination. Not possible in this lifetime or eternity. No, what I have found is by standing on that very Word that He will NEVER leave me or forsake me, particularly in widowhood, I have peace. In the midst of what could be a phobic generating situation, He has blessed me with the peace and joy that surpasses all understanding. But I had to believe and where I am weak in my belief, He strengthens me. What can I say?? I serve and am in love with an unbelievable God. How do I "serve" Him?, people ask... well, it's only through faith that my eyes are open to see that He materializes in my life as who He says He is and living according to His numero uno command: Love. Him, my neighbor and myself. Not always easy, especially when you feel "wronged", but the truth is, by exercising my God/Christ given right to choose to love and see the beauty in every circumstance of my life,all things in my presence must change. Perception is everything.

On some level it was easier that I wasn't home. I can hear Jesus saying, forgive... I say, okay Lord, but I'm not so sure that if I were home during our robbery, I would have fulfilled the second part of that and offered him my cloak too or in this case, my television. I may have been tempted to offer him something other than my other cheek. You never know what you will do until you are in the situation..I only know that because I have done a lot of things I said I would never do while peering into someone else's circumstance.. whew... THAT proved futile!

I now see the importance of building on rock instead of sand..it's tough to build anything while the storm is raging. Christianity in America particularly, IS a rose colored glasses system at times, because most of us don't know what it is to hide from others seeking your life because of the freedom you offer. Because you offer peace, and joy and above all, Truth. If the hardest thing I ever have to do to exercise my Christianity is love my burglar, I'm doing pretty good.

Circumtances... hum... they are merely proof of the pudding, as we say here. I can talk about forgiving my enemies until I come face to face with one, I can talk about not living in fear until a diagnosis, I can talk about love until someone hates me, I can be talk about fidelity until I feel neglected. I can talk about turning the other cheek until someone hits me where it really hurts. I can talk about my faith, until I have to exercise it. Imagine, Jesus talking about the cross He was going to hang from only to get there and say.. um.. yeh, no thanks.. he too, "felt" abandoned, but the truth overcame the lie and here we are... redeemed. Praise God! People remind me I'm not Jesus when they think I am being hard on myself in the area of exercising my faith. Duh.. I realize I'm not Jesus, but He said the Kingdom of God was IN me and where He is, I am, so.... that tells me that if we quit believing that we can't be saintly, perfect (whole and complete not lacking any good thing) maybe we would walk on water afterall.

Thank you to all the wonderful people that have come together to assist my daughter and I. I love you and appreciate you. You have blessed my soul. You have been the face of the One that truly comforts me.

Blessings,
M

You have raised her from grave. Restored her life, literally. What word could I utter that would possibly bring you the Glory and Praise you are so worthy of? There are none. A woman of words, I am found speechless, yet so full, I could bust at the seems of this skin you have clothed me in.

No medical genius required. Only the salve of your Word could prove powerful enough to raise her. Only the unwavering, undeniable truth of your Word would tear down the lies of him that roams this earth seeking to devour us in lies and rebellion.

You have restored my household beyond my comprehension. My spirit receives it and my mouth longs to share it, but I know I cannot do my gratitude or your faithfulness, justice here. But you know how my heart overflows. In a matter of seconds, she was restored to life, to joy, to hope. With YOUR Word. Amazing. Casting down and out those lies,demonic strongholds and generational curses.
Reconcilled to you, herself, me. She lives. Separation is death.

As I cling to your robe and take shelter in your wings, I rest and behold your power made manifest through her life that was literally drained from her body, her mind, and her heart. My God.

The earth is groaning and kingdoms are warring in high places being played out in this earthly realm. Oh how I wish more would come to hear your voice in the simple, loving truths of our existence. May my voice serve to stand as a witness to your greatness, your mercy, compassion, and desire to liberate us from our blindness, our captivity. You willingness to heal us of all our infirmities. Through repentance, the turning of our faces from lies to truth, all is possible.
And then some.

Holy Father of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to all of Israel, Jew, Gentile, woman, man, free and slave, I thank you with all of my being. You are truly my husband, my provider, my physician, my redeemer. And of that, may I never be ashamed or silenced in mediocrity or fear again. In the process of my sanctification, may this season of my life, never be forgotten. May the work of Your hands be seen in all she does and all I do.

I love you.
M

As we pulled into the driveway after a very long 5 day "performance" trip, we noticed something very wrong. Our front door was ajar. That little voice that prompted me to remove certain items from my home a few weeks ago when we were alerted to break-ins, proved to be right.

I can't possibly describe the feeling of seeing your front door partially opened and not knowing who has been or still could be in your home. Upon calling 911, we waited. The wait seemed like an eternity and throughout the eternity, I played many scenarios in my head. I wanted to beat the person for violating my space, I wanted to see what was missing, what damage had been done. The police arrived and in we went.

My front door kicked in, various items littered throughout the house, purses dumped out, camera equipment left on the floor, cd's rummaged through, the frig left open with a crushed milk carton in the door, all my little girl's play jewelry and my stage jewelry, which is the equivalent of "play jewelry" strewn about the bedrooms, my closet a little messier than how I left it, drawers opened. Letters opened and strewn about. All the obvious signs of looking for cash and jewelry. It must have been a disappointing day for our friendly robber. I say friendly, because in all honesty, while he pilfered through out belongings, he did so without destroying our home. He broke nothing, he didn't vandalize a thing. I found myself silently thanking him as I walked through my home. I have seen pictures of neighbors' houses that didn't quite make out so "clean". It's bad enough when someone violates your space, but worse when they unnecessarily destroy your property in a violent manner.

We are thankful.

I spray painted Merry Christmas with a heart on the plywood used to board up the front door he so graciously kicked in, re-packed my car and left for the evening to the comforts of yet another hotel.

I can't describe the various emotions that ran through my mind most of the night. From anger, rage, and hurt to sadness and gratitude. From wanting to hang him up by his toenails to kindly telling him there is a better way.

While basking in all my victimhood, I was gently reminded that I too, have stolen. I might not have kicked in a door, but I have taken things that weren't mine in the past in various fashion. I too, have fallen short. I have lied, cheated, stolen. Yep, little ol' me. I'm certain I validated/justified my shortcoming (sin), but it was samey samey nevertheless, in God's eyes. And those are the only eyes that matter. While I was busy planning my public flogging of my local burglar, God was taking the opportunity to remind me of how many times He has covered my trangressions from public view. How many times I didn't "pay" or reap what I sowed. Yes, I know what HIs Word says, but I'm here to tell you, He has covered me more times than exposed. His grace and mercy have turned me from my sin far more many times than His rod. Not to say, they are not mutually beneficial at times, but His love has always changed me far greater than His wrath.

As I drifted off to sleep at 3a.m. my last thought was, if Jesus could forgive those that took His LIFE, surely I could forgive the one that took my "stuff". Maybe my love and grace will turn him to a hope that is better than stealing for his own life as God's love has done and continues to do for me each and every day.
It is only through His grace I can do this otherwise it would be fake. So you see, in my weakness, His strength is made perfect.

God Bless,
M

Precious in your sight...I love that. Precious were those you entrusted into my care today. Poverty made real. Yet so rich were many of them. Beautiful. To feed another human being is truly one of the greatest gifts possible to both the recipient and the servant.

Service. Now there is a sure fire way to get outside of yourself. A wonderful thing. I thrive on it. Spent many years not realizing that using my voice is a service. I am a servant, not a superstar. God, when I remember that, all of life is great! It's easy to think of our talents as just that... "ours". Nothing like a piece of humble pie served up by the Lord himself to remind us of exactly who entrusted us with all of our gifts. To be used for good. Man, even the word "good" has become subjective.

What a powerful thing to offer prayer to someone that has lost hope on some level. Someone humble enough to become courageous. God's strength is truly made manifest in our weakness. I can't help but think we have "self" esteemed ourselves right out of intimacy with a Creator ever beckoning us Home.

Sweet babies I saw today, beautiful faces, eyes, feet, tired souls, weary souls that are now fed, filled with hope, and no longer believing they are forgotten. THAT is God.

Love you all.. humbly yours,
M

Thanksgiving day has come and gone. I find myself thankful for so much. There is however, one main thing that sticks out in my mind that I am ultra thankful for. Confession.

Being raised Orthodox, it was always more of a "threat" to be sent to the big bad confession than what the truth of it really is.. healing. It would take 32 years of my life to find the truth of Scripture that reads, "Confess your sins one to another that you may be HEALED".... I will clarify that I do believe you can get on your knees and confess it all to a God that really does hear you and know you intimately. BUT, I have to believe it tells you to confess one to another for a reason.. you cannot imagine the release and restoration that occurs with this limited practice. In my humble opinion, next to Jesus, this is one of the greatest gifts God left us with.

In a time of complete autonomy and "spirituality", I can't help but wonder how many emotions, minds, and subsequently bodies, would be healed if more of us partook in this phenomena called confession. Now, you don't have to Catholic or Orthodox to practice this. How about someone you are close to? Or better yet, the person you might have not forgiven, or held anger and resentment against all this time. How about the one that you judged or spoke badly of.. what would happen if you humbled yourself and called that person and confessed your offense and asked for forgiveness. Maybe we don't see forgiveness in our lives, for one simple reason.. we don't ask for it..

Confession is like flossing. When you don't floss, all the crumbs of all that you eat, sit and decay in your mouth. Your gums then send bacteria and yuck to the rest of your body through your bloodstream. Your blood then affects your entire body and things begin to breakdown.. you end up with mystery illnesses like CFS or others... when we stuff all of the worries, fears, hostility, perversions, guilt,all of our offenses or those of others, and all of the lies that we listen to about ourselves that are not found in the TRUTH of the Gospel, into the "gums" of our souls and let it sit and fester, it presents/manifests much the same way. Our thoughts, emotions and bodies become toxic.
Sometimes like with flossing, confession can be painful, cause bleeding, and you can actually feel worse before you begin to feel better.. but Glory be to God, His Word is not a liar, for God says, to turn from our lower/evil ways, from all the lies, repent/return to the higher ways, confess and ask for forgiveness and HE is faithful to forgive and THAT is something to be thankful for..

What a feeling... If I could wipe His feet with my hair right now, I would.

Gobble gobble,
M

The caverns of your ways so deep the waters of the earth, could never fill them.

Precious in your sight is a creation that knows you, that loves you, that searches for YOU in the cool of the day. You are to be found with but one cry, one question. In your time of mercy, you answer us. If you did not, it would be abandoning a part of yourself. Incomprehensible. Impossible.

Oh Great Creator, may our minds ascend above all heavens to your realm of existence. May we take captive all thoughts that are in between and live in peace, in joy. Not without affliction at times, there are many plans to thwart our peace birthed from a place we choose not to believe in. May we remove our rose colored glasses, those lenses that call the darkness light and return from whence we came.

Wings open wide, a rejoicing, a sweetness, an honesty in an inconceivable love, may we find rest from our useless works. May we be strengthened to continue on in the works that matter. That bring glory.
How lonely you must be sometimes. How sad we must make your heart. It is written that you DO have feelings. Intense desire and lust for us. Intense compassion and mercy. An all consuming love. How many of us are afraid of such love? So distracted by the lies of the prince of this world that we choose death over life. Have mercy on us Lord. Have mercy.

In Appreciation,
M

The middle of this fence just isn't comfortable any more. My foot, ever slipping back to one side or another. It only takes one bite for me to realize the snakes of this field are not where life lies.

A realm so real yet invisible to our eyes. I think we choose to see once we have been illumined to the invisible. Everyone is trying to attain it, reach it, grab it,... steal it. But I tell you, there is no true, real peace or rest, outside of Jesus, the Christ. I speak for myself. Remaining IN Him is struggle enough. For me.

The Power of God made manifest. The POWER. The POWER. To trample down darkness and prevail in love through light, tearing down curses of generations gone by and those to come, THAT is power. Casting down disease for the LIE that it is. Those lies we have believed of ourselves, God and others finally manifested. Finally realized. Even the demonic know the power of blood. They sacrifice unto their god with blood. Innocent blood. How much more powerful the blood of an atonement for ALL mankind than that of our creator Himself, incarnating to become one of us. The wretched souls that we are. I speak for my own.

Facing every form of distraction, every temptation not to love, not to live in purity, to just chill through life, to do things when he "felt' like it, or when it was convenient. He chose otherwise. He didn't wait for the coffers to be full to bless,He didn't wait for it to be convenient, or socially acceptable, He didn't pacify weaknesses. He understood them and had compassion on us for them, but EMPOWERED us to move past them, above them through truth and knowledge of Himself and His worth and necessity for our safety, our very lives. Eternal lives. He didn't treat our illnesses, he cast them out! He sent them back to hell where they came from. He didn't medicate us, He CURED us with the truth of our Creator's love for us that we could cling to and not our own limited, earthly, carnal undestanding. He said we would do GREATER things than Him... He understood our condition because He became one of us. He left us with POWER, LOVE AND A SOUND MIND in HIm and through Him. If we remain.

If we but believe.

M

Forgivenes.. A beautiful thing.

I hope life finds all of you well.

Monica

So. America has finally done it. Amazing. I extend my congratulations to President- Elect, Obama. What a plight.

Writing for various political figures, you get to see things others don't. One of the things I enjoy the most, particularly during an election period, is watching the momentum that builds during a campaign. The ebb and flow. What most people do not get to see behind the smiles and hand shakes, is a very tired soul. Often times weary and unable to express it. It is a "war" of sorts. Politicians, are like fine athletes. The ones I have encountered anyway. There is a goal, an end in sight and those that plan meticulously, have a vision and mantra they do not stray from, have plenty of capital to spread the "good news", are willing to get muddy, all while standing naked in front of the world, win the race in the end. Whether they "win" or not. You can never really lose by giving it your best shot. I must say, I feel I saw " the real " Senator McCain last night. Wish we could have experienced him sooner.

What a milestone for not only this country but the world. I am most thankful this day that I will no longer receive ill tempered messages about people that vote for Obama not being Christian (give me a break) to snide, racial remarks. The propogation of fear is a nasty one indeed. You learn a lot about people during a race of this proportion. I chose to remain bi-partisan as always and listen. I learn the most by simply shutting my mouth and paying attention to what people say, because it always leads to what's in their hearts and as a writer, you can only speak to them effectively, when you can meet them where they are at.

Should be an interesting four years. I certainly hope we aren't looking to Mr. Obama to be our Savior. Oohh.. that could be troublemsome. Quite a load for him to carry as well. No, he's our President. He's human. I think it's great that we have an African American person saying to a country of fellowmen, that it is indeed possible. As valid as the mantra, "the man is keeping us down" can be, I am eternally grateful, we are officially left without it. But then again, that always resides in our minds usually. The "limited", that is. This represents a limitless era to many. I hope our hearts will shift with our minds. Perhaps now we will handle one another with the truth, which is.. we all bleed and it's not outlandish to hope.

I am happy for this milestone for many reasons, not the least of which is that for anyone who doesn't feel like whites wanted this, take into consideration that 43% of the vote for Obama was cast by whites. Pretty cool considering where we were in the, not -so -distant past.

I am most confident that whether he is green or purple, he has quite a job ahead of him and we owe it to him and each other no matter who we voted for, to do what we can for ourselves, our country and the world. And oh, if you ever want to know who really puts someone in office, look no further than your handy Bible and for my Jewish brothers and sisters that would be your local Torah..:)

Love you guys,
M

So, I have this friend. She's a widow. She has one little girl. She is in the entertainment industry. Throughout the years, she has struggled, succeeded, cried, laughed, grown, compromised, not compromised, dreamt, lost it all, found herself and everything in between.

On the eve of a huge opportunity in her field, she finds herself having to choose between two things she loves very much. On one level, there isn't a choice to be made. On another, life presents an opportunity to provide for her little one in a long awaited fashion. Problem is, her little one can't live without her right now, her life depends on it. The choice is made.
Sometimes in life, the pot of gold is within view, but there's a couple of potholes on the rainbow's road. Then again, the pot of gold can also be subjective.

My friend finds herself sad tonight. Sad because she is staring the opportunity of a lifetime in the face. A way out. But the price is just too high.

M

So, I'm reading a book recommended by a friend of mine. It's fiction. I"m not much on fiction. When I want to "check out" for a while, I head to my local theater and dive into fantasy world via film. When I bother to take the time to read, I like to read something that will increase my knowledge base or open my eyes to something in a way I may not have perceived it before.

This book however, is a little different. It's fiction with a twist. It tells of a beautiful little girl dealt a really crappy hand, that ends up a prostitute by the hand of none other than those that were supposed to protect her. It is the OT story of Hosea, in novel form.

As I flipped through the first few chapters, I found myself pissed that I allowed my friend to sway me to read it. I hated the content. As I was about to throw it across the room for what was happening to her, I realized how many others share in the exact same story. I also began recounting the story of Hosea (OT book) and how his obedience to God and endless love for "her" brought the healing necessary to a soul wounded by life.

I write a lot about Godly things. You can agree or disagree, makes no difference to me. My sponsors are not responsible for what I write and everyone knows where I stand with regard to pretty much...everything. If you stick with my ambiguity long enough, you will see exactly who and what I am ref to most of the time. It generally comes down to a few simple categories. My humanity, others' humanity and God's faithfulness.

As I make my way through more chapters, I am reminded that knowledge of one's soul condition, is grace in its purest form and Hosea really is the greatest love story ever told.

Peace,
M

Nothing will do but a rock. The shifting sands won't withstand this storm. An enemy against my soul, my mind, my body, my existence. The liar. Indeed. The accuser. He is alive. Nevertheless, greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.

As a sweet nectar, I inhale your truths that I may breathe another breath. I drink from your cup of grace that I may see clearly. Passed the tears, the lies of my eyes. Passed an existence that supercedes the tangible. Into a place of purposeful reality. An eternal place. I'm standing daddy, I'm standing. The warrior is me has been provoked to live. My own understanding fails me now. It is only that which you have imparted that clings to my every thought. The war is great. Unseen, but ever real.
Misery visited me today. Shame draped across my shoulders like a shawl of doom. All my faults, my humanity for me to see. Sickness has made her bed in my home and despair tried to rent a room here today. But by your Grace my precious Father, redeemer, I stripped the shawl from my shoulders, offered my tears to you, and simply shut the door on despair with the Word you deposited in my soul many moons ago. May he never take that from me. Without it, I perish. I would wither and die. The finger pointing at me today, I humbly confessed my humanity in anticipation of the healing you promised and alas, his voice is quiet and my mind is once again guarded and set straight. I find simply admitting to my humanity in humility, brings me ever closer to the divinity that dwells within me that I would otherwise never see.

Inconsolable. That's what she said. My edifier. It is true that at times you have to bypass the henchmen and get to The Man. The messenger just won't do. The One who wrote it on the tablet of your heart, is the only One that will suffice.

A fire in my bones. You have set me ablaze. May this trial not burn me but serve to refine. May you burn all that is not of you. My ashes for beauty. It's hot as hell here. But I would take your flames of mercy over the lies of a star thrust from your grace many eons ago.

He knows me. I know him. But I am yours. Once serving the god of this world, I no longer find the attraction. The beergoggles of my soul removed. And as a lover in hot pursuit of his lost one, I feel his fiery breath on my neck, accusing, berating, lying. May his devices serve to propel me into the refining fire of a grace I can't even speak of. My Hosea.

I love you.
M

written to the sounds of www.amycourts.com Thanks Amy, for reminding me I'm not alone in my quest for presence and peace in my own soul. In the face of the liar, truth is ever present. Your music is beautiful and full of naked truth.

Well, there's nothing like a little closure. Funny how you think you are "over" something or one, until you come face to face with it or them, again.
Amazing thing the heart.

It's easy when you see them or it and thank your "lucky" stars THAT didn't work. Another story entirely to see it or them and your heart reminds you of the sweet things that made you smile.

It's always easier when you have something to distract your attention. Something... new. A "replacement".

Now, couple that with the audition from hell and this makes for one day I can't wait to close my eyes to.

And on that note...
Sweet dreams my lovies..
M

Ever heard the saying, if you don't have anything nice to say then....
well, I think I will exercise my American amendment to exercise a little freedom of... um... no speech.

Hope you guys are well.. More to come...

M

Hey, I wonder if at the soup lines of the great depression, they asked each recipient how they ended up in the line?

Like, maybe there was an application that asked if you were sucked into a greed scandal or did your desire to live the "Amercian Dream", get the best of you when you bought something you thought you could and would afford, only to show up at work and go home with your final check?

I wonder if public flogging was part of the daily routine? Man, some of my fellow "Americans" that I have had the displeasure of watching night after night on certain news stations, would give a torture squad of "Braveheart" proportions, a run for their money.

Good gosh, if it was left up to the individuals I see on the nightly "world news" channels to determine whether or not some of us got soup... we'd be in trouble.

Ha, How interesting. As millions of our own countrymen have hit, are hitting, and will hit the toilet of life, how easy it is to think of them/us as the proverbial homeless guy that detracts from the beauty and profitability of our precious storefronts. Our neat little existence. How dare someone become a "burden" on our dime. How dare we be called to be more than human.

Hum... Perhaps Windex should be the stock of choice these days. With so many glass houses and all....

Here's a seed worth planting and investing in... It is written, "Worry not what you will eat or drink or wear tomorrow.. TAKE NO THOUGHT, do you not know that your Father in Heaven feeds and clothes the birds.. and are YOU, not worth more than the birds in HIS sight??"

Shhh.... listen.

Love,
M